Post Divorce Dating

it was hard to get back into the swing of things. I had to re learn how to date, but the scary thought of even learning how to meet people again was even worse for me. I had no idea how to start or even where to go to meet people. I did not want to meet my future love in a bar or social gathering that even offered the sale of alcohol. I realized that alcohol had to be taken out of the equation, because even though those people were fun for a night in the bar, they were not what I wanted for a lifetime.

I was growing up, my mentality and self worth was far beyond what I could find in a bar or a club. It had even gotten to the point to where I didn't even want to step foot into a bar unless it was the local Taphouse on off nights when the place was slow and I knew that random men would not be hitting on me and hoping I'd go home with him at the end of the night. I was done with the "one-night stand" or the mini relationships that had gone absolutely no where. Where do I look then? That was the ultimate question that I constantly asked myself.

I decided to look upon the internet. I joined a dating site and found a potential partner within a week. We met, he took me out on several dates in which we met at as opposed to him picking me up. i decided if I was going to meet someone online, I wanted to protect myself by meeting him there. Even through that, he was a complete gentleman and opened doors, pertained to small talk and always picked up the tab.

We became more serious. A couple of months went by and things were good. Then the day came where he gave me the classic line that I heard before. "You are a good woman, you deserve better than me." Where did I go wrong? I blamed myself for not doing more in the relationship. Was it even me? Did I just happen to settle for the first person that came my way and was he really that naive to think I would believe him when he stated I deserved better. I knew that men said this as a way to get out of a relationship easily to avoid confrontation.

I was heartbroken. I remember sitting on the back porch during a break from the family business and tears would begin to fall uncontrollably. I couldn't stop them. I felt as though it was my fault that every relationship I had been in came crashing down on me.

I had no idea what to expect over the next couple of years. I simply wanted to find a man that loved me. Questions continued to stir within me. Was there true love waiting for me out there, somewhere. What more did I need to do to change myself within in order to be the woman that a man wanted to marry, and stay married to and loyal to long term. I felt that I needed to learn how to be a dutiful girlfriend, and one day a dutiful wife. I decided to stop blaming my ex's for the way things turned out and to start looking inward and figure out what I could have done differently and learn from it.

They say knowledge is power, and it's true. I have learned so much in the past few months about love and what it REALLY takes to make a marriage work, that I have no idea how I survived the dating world for so long without it. I can't even begin to tell you how I was able to get married the first time with how much ignorance I had regarding successful relationships.

How My Self Esteem and Confidence Got Shot

As I stated in my last post, I was going to start shifting towards a different aspect in the life after divorce segment. And that’s just what I plan on doing. Before, I went through my reflection stages and getting myself to get back up on my personal bandwagon. Upon completion of this post, I will start talking about re-entering the dating world.

It was a scary thing for me to think about for a while, dating again. I had no idea how to date and had completely forgotten how to meet people. I was lost, alone and afraid to throw myself out there. I was living with my parents, and even my mom saw how alone I was and the difficulties I was going through. She suggested that I go to college in hopes that it would help me meet someone. That didn’t work too well, at least not at first.

I was extremely shy and afraid to talk to anyone. My self-esteem and confidence had been shot due to the negative remarks my soon to be ex gave me. Even my dad told me I was fat once. I’m sure he meant well, and only wanted to get me motivated to diet and exercise, but it still put a major dent in my self-esteem. Not only that, but I was constantly reminded of my weight gain every time I looked in the mirror. You see, I was 120 pounds before I got married, and upon my separation, I had reached somewhere around 170. Trust me, I was a little chunky monkey there for a while.

I bring the weight gain up because it was what really caused my self-esteem and confidence to go down. It also added a whirl wind of depression to race through me at any random moment. My biggest regret through this time is not getting back out there and allowing my outer appearance get the best of me. I needed to lose weight, but I lacked the motivation to do something about it. I remember constantly asking myself what was wrong with me. Before I got married I was able to go up to any guy and start chatting away. I was able to pick up men like they were lost sheep. I mean, I got 4 marriage proposals before saying yes to my ex-husband. Yes, you read that right. FOUR! I was an outgoing diva that strived in the social world. And here I was, a mere 2 years later, lost and alone.

This is actually what threw me into the reflection stage that I talked about before, but I felt I should cover it in more detail so that you will be able to better understand what went on during the dating stages that I endured over the next 2 years. What you will learn over the next few posts about me and my dating habits after divorce will come as a surprise. It surprised me even, but I feel now that it all happened in order to push me in the direction that I ultimately went. I want each of you to take something out of all of this, and that is that everything does happen for a reason. I know that at the time, through all of my tears and questions of why, I didn’t understand why everything horrible was happening to me.

I’m sure that many of you are asking yourselves the same questions I once asked myself. Why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me? What did I do that was so terribly wrong? Ladies, (and gents if you’re reading), I assure you that NOTHING is wrong with you. You didn’t do anything that was terribly wrong. Look at your current situation like this. Tell yourself, “This is happening to me now in order to make me stronger. It is giving me the backbone and experience that I need in order to love someone better, stronger and easier. It is showing me that I can get through anything, and I will appreciate returned love better.” So next time you see your ex, or soon to be ex, thank him, for he is the reason that your next love will be even sweeter.

Let It Go

Recently, I started listening to an album by Keyshia Cole, entitled Just Like You. Though out the entire album, it seems, she is singing about self reflection and standing for what she believes in. She also sings about relationships going astray and how if a man doesn't love her in the way he should, she should let it go. Even though the title track is titled Let It Go, it appears as though that line comes up more times than not in the other tracks.This is a great message for any woman. Why? The answer is simple. If the man you are with is not making you happy in the ways you desire or not making the effort to keep the relationship alive, than you must ask yourself if it is worth the pain or to let it go.

I do have a reasoning behind bringing this album up. You see, the last time I actually listened to this album was when I was married. I listened to it repeatedly while I was trying to decide for myself if I wanted to go down the road of divorce. I listened to it repeatedly after I told my ex-husband the news. It helped me realize that I did deserve better. It helped me realize that I needed to refocus on myself and that I needed someone in my life that would make me happy without even trying.

The album is great for listening to casually and in passing. It wasn't until I sat down and actually listened to the songs individually that it made sense and connected with what I was going through. For example, "Give Me More" first appeared to just being another song about a woman wanting more from her partner. "Oh, she's just mad that he did something stupid" I thought. Well, when I started to relate it to my situation, it was almost as though this song was the beginning stages of trying to work it out. It's like she's pleading with him to be better, to work harder, and to make the connections again. I easily saw how this song related, but deep down, I had a feeling that regardless of what I did or said, my ex-husband would continue to be the same man that he always was.

Then I went onto the next two tracks. Track three is titled "I Remember" Another break-up song at first listen. But when I listened to it on that night, I cried. It was almost as though she was singing the words that I couldn't bring myself to say. She basically goes on to remember how she felt when she was on her verging point. Heart break, sorrow and loneliness is sung through the chorus. Track four talks about how she "shoulda let it go a long time ago". She feels that she shouldnt have let the relationship get as far as it did because of what I imagine as being the womanly instincts that I'm sure every woman gets. I remember listening to these two tracks and thinking, "she is right." I should have let it go before I ever even let it get to the point that it had gotten.

Really, I bring this album up because it allowed me to steer closer to the path that I am on now. I bring it up because without this album, my reflection stage would have never occurred or happened in the manner that it did. The album helped me see that I needed to stop being a dead weight in a marriage that was going no where. It shared with me that life is better when your happy with yourself first. It opened up new doors that allowed me to walk down a path to better myself instead of worrying about what others would think or say about my predicament. It taught me to love myself first, and to do things that made me happy. How can I make others happy if I can not be happy with myself first. It also showed me that life is too short to be with a man that disrespects me and doesn't love me in a way that I truly deserved. It was that extra push that I needed to get my divorce process started so that I can move forward towards a life of happiness and prosperity. This album was the best thing to happen to me while I was married, and any one of you who has not listened to it or heard about it should give it a listen.

If not for this album, I probably wouldn't be living in Terre Haute pursuing a degree in Chemistry. I would have never learned how to be happy with myself or how to love myself properly first. Oh, and did I mention that I'm engaged again? Yep, that's right. I'm engaged.

Which brings me to the next phase of my Divorce blog. Love After Divorce. Keep your eyes peeled for the trials and tribulations of re-entering the dating world.

Love After Divorce, Is it real?

Recently, I started looking through some old blogs of mine, and a particular passage from one of my entries caught my eye. This blog entry, found on my Emotions Untangled blog, just happened to be talking about my ex-husband, although brief, and went on to talk about love. The passage reads as follows:

"Love is an emotional bond that no one wants to let go of easily. It makes you do things that you never would have imagined doing otherwise. It carries no boundaries and will do whatever is in it's power to keep that love alive until, ultimately, there is nothing more you can do"

This passage made me realize what I want out of life romantically. I wanted someone that would fight for me, and I am not talking about physically. I want to know, is love really out there for me, and if it is, where is it? Although, I don't dwell on where my life may lead in that department, or how long it may be for something like this to happen, I still like to ponder the idea of love after divorce.

This brings me to think of a quote that I read recently on Facebook by Dr. Seuss. It reads, "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." As silly as that sounds, it has some truth in it. Since no one of us has a true definition of what normal really is, weird is actually among each and every one of us, no matter how small or large.

I do believe in love after divorce. No matter how weird it may be, my weird match is out there. No matter the boundaries, the power of love is out there. Love is out there for all of us. It only asks for one thing, and that is patience. Patience is something that I held close, and will always hold close.

Before I let you go, I wanted to make a comment about something my friend did recently. She threw a Divorce Party. I thought this was a great idea. Basically, she invited everyone she knew that was either divorced or separated. This is great because it gives you an opportunity to talk to others, share stories, and basically celebrate your new found life!

Reflections

When I went through my reflection stage upon being a divorced woman, I realized that I had gone a little crazy while I was married. I decided to go through a reflection period because I felt that I needed to do something to allow myself to see where I went wrong during the marriage as well as the months that followed the divorce. I needed to be able to allow my emotional health the liberty of getting better. I figured if I was going to get anything out of the marriage, I would rather it be something that I learned about myself and take that information with me throughout the rest of my life. I needed to look at the situation as an experience and a lesson. I wanted to be able to see a positive light and be thankful for the experience instead of being negative and spiteful.

Trust me; I wanted to be angry at him for the rest of my life. I wanted to be spiteful towards him forever. But I realized that life is worth more than living out your days being upset with someone or mad about a situation that did not go the way that you wanted. I simply had to say goodbye to anger and move on.

As I progressed through the reflection stage, I noticed a few things that I needed to work on within myself. I felt this way because if I ever wanted to be successful in a relationship, than I needed to be able to be define my faults and fix them. I also needed to define my strengths when involved with someone.

I quickly learned that I moved too fast when entering a relationship in the past. People had told me this before, but I never wanted to admit it to myself. I remember asking myself why I had done that sort of thing to begin with. I wanted to change the bad habit. I wanted to be able to get to know someone fully and to be comfortable with telling him my full intentions and exactly what I was looking for in a relationship. I even went as far as making a rule list for myself to follow. Granted, I thought it was just for giggles, but in the end, it allowed me to successfully sort through the weeds.

I also fell into the habit of being to forgiving of actions that shouldn’t have been forgiven. Once, I had dated a guy that had emotional troubles. For this reason, I felt somewhat sorry for him. We broke up because he felt I deserved better, but in the break up process, he put me down constantly and was being extremely rude about the situation. He even went as far as threatening to call the cops on me because I wasn’t leaving quick enough. To further explain that, I was simply gathering things that belonged to me so that I would not have to return for them later. A few months go by, and he calls me, begging me to come back. This same scenario happened repeatedly, and for some reason, I kept falling for his lies. I realized that that aspect of my life had to change. I had to get myself under the grasp of when it’s done it’s done, the first time.

So, my reflections on my dating life took me a while to sort through. All in all, it helped me realize where I was going wrong and gave me a better sense of what I needed and wanted in a man. I swore to myself that I would never allow a man to fool me into something that my gut and instinct was telling me to stay away from again. It was a journey to get to this point, but it was worth it in the end.

Don’t Undersell Your Value During a Virginia Divorce

Don’t Undersell Your Value During a Virginia Divorce

Life After Divorce

In the months following my divorce, I began to feel a sense of awkwardness. It was unreal to me that I was now a divorced woman. I faced the next phase and entered into life after divorce. I remember thinking back and wondering where it all went wrong. I asked myself if there was something that I could have done differently to save the marriage and prevent the divorce from ever occurring. That question took me back even further. It took me back to the months that he and I were just dating. That brought on more questions that I never really got the answers to.

I did take time to focus on myself. I wanted to be able to resolve any interior insecurity that I had before re-entering the dating world. I wanted to make sure that my head was on straight and that my life was headed down a more direct route. That’s just what I did too. I dealt with my issues and gave myself a good path to follow.

I attempted to date someone after I believed I was ready to date again. I was wrong. I constantly analyzed every situation that occurred and constantly compared it with a situation that I had with my ex-husband. I even spit out that the guy was acting just like my ex-husband. No sooner than the words came out of my mouth, I wanted to hit the rewind button. Why did I say that? What was the purpose of directly comparing him to my ex-husband, and verbally at that? Of course I apologized for it, but the damage was already done.

I quickly realized that I needed to step away from the dating world again and work on getting myself out of that horrible loop. I sat and pondered what it was that I needed to do to stop thinking about my ex and look forward to a brighter future. At first, I couldn’t think of anything. But I quickly realized that I needed to do two things.

I needed to continue to reinstate the relationship I had with myself. In doing so, I began to do activities that I enjoyed doing solo. I rode my bike more, took walks around the neighborhood and took random drives around town with no particular destination. This allowed me to wrap myself up in internal thought and gave me the opportunity to relearn myself as an individual.

The other thing I decided I needed to do was to reinstate my relationships with my friends. Granted, the relationships were never lost, but being divorced, they were slightly different. I needed to relearn how to spend time with them as a soloist and they needed to readjust to me as being a single lady. This helped me make the transition from being married to divorced and single because I was able to throw my thoughts off of them and receive any support that was necessary. I trusted them to give me adequate advice and to tell me the honest truth, no matter how painful.

This took time, and I am happy that I went ahead and faced my fears early on. It set me up for a better future and allowed me to see that I was my first priority. Divorce in Virginia changed me, and it made me a stronger person.

Officially Divorced!

One of the key things that everyone should remember about going through a divorce is that the plaintiff needs a witness present with them in court, whether or not they have an attorney present. My husband was made aware of this by the clerk of courts. I knew he knew, but something told me he would show up without one. I asked my mom if she would come with me to court to be my witness and explained to her what my instinct was telling me. She agreed.

We go to court and walk into the room and take a seat towards the back. I look around for him and notice him sitting, alone I might add, a few rows up. I knew it! I knew he would show up alone. I had a private panic attack and hoped that the judge would show mercy on at least me.

We are called and walk up to where we are directed. The judge notices that Danny is alone and the conversation goes something like this:

Judge: looking slightly annoyed, “Where is your witness?”

Him: “Your honor, um, he wasn’t able to make it because he had an accident with his thumb. Um, he had to go to…”

Judge: “You need a witness in order to file this petition.”

Me: chirping in “Your honor, I have a witness.”

Judge: directing his glance at me. “You do? Why?”

Me: “Honestly, because I knew that he would not bring one and I wanted to make sure it was covered.”

Judge: “Ok, is your witness in the courtroom?”

Me: “Yes” I signal for my mom to come up to the stand.

Judge: “Ok, this is what I’m going to do. I will make some edits to the decree and award you with the divorce.”

Me: “Thank you, your honor.”

Well, the divorce is set and in motion. Documents were signed and we went to the clerk’s desk to get copies. What I had originally wanted as a neat and orderly document was now marked all over. For some reason, it did not bother me that much. I knew this was the end of a long battle of fighting with my now ex-husband. I could finally start focusing on myself completely and cut all remaining ties with him. It would be another 6 months before I felt I was finally back to my pre-marriage self making my journey to self-discovery last 3 years. Every situation is different and holds different aspects. I think the reason it took me so long is because the divorce itself took so long. If I had resources available or sought them out, the process probably would have reduced drastically. Being the type of person I am, I tend to hold information and sit on it for what feels like forever. I do not recommend anyone to do this. It adds significant time to the healing and grieving process. My new motto is to act today, live freely tomorrow.

In the 2 years I had been back in Virginia, I began working on an associate’s degree in Criminal Justice. I always had a passion for the justice system and had been studying it since I was a teenager. Even before I signed up for classes, I had at least a little knowledge in every aspect of the criminal justice field. Some areas, my knowledge was more extensive than others. I had explored the various topics, did case-studies, and researched information.

Recently, I even went to the site of one of the case-studies I did as a teen so that I could see firsthand everything that I had studied. I went to houses of some of the victims, visited their gravesites, and explored the area that weekly meetings were held. It was almost like it was the last piece of the puzzle that I was looking for. I even felt as though I already knew the town and exactly how to get to the various locations.

So, entering college for this was a piece of cake. Even still, I learned more than I thought I would. I made contacts with local law enforcement that I still call on from time to time today with questions. The number one question I get asked when someone finds out my career choice is, “Which show do you like best? My favorite is CSI.” Every time, I simply chuckle and say I’m not interested in that sort of thing. They give me a look of confusion and I continue saying that with my extensive knowledge, I can’t watch them without nit-picking everything. I also tell them that I prefer non-fiction over fiction, simply because I would rather educate myself first before being blinded by something untrue, which is also why I don’t watch TV. Gasps are always followed by that statement.

The court date is set!

A few days later I sent him the updated version that will be approved and signed in court. He started freaking out and saying that he didn’t really trust me and would have to review them again. I didn’t mind. I probably would have done the same. But I knew they wouldn’t be a problem because I had only changed the pieces that would make it approved by the court. I verified in detail that all the pieces concerning us were accurate and complete. I filled in dates that would have otherwise been written in. I hate having a document that is written all over. I like filing and turning in things that are neat and orderly.

Well, some time goes by and we go back to the court house to re-file. This time we simply met in front of the court house with the documents in hand. They had not been signed or notarized yet as the last one had been. Upon meeting him on the court steps, I point in the direction of the bank and begin to mention the notary. He was extremely inpatient and walked into the building before letting me finish. Again, I decided to drop it. I figured I’d let the clerk handle it again. He was under the assumption that they notarized documents in the courthouse and did not want to be told differently. Upon walking up to the clerk, a different one this time, the conversation went like this.

Him: “I would like to file these.”

Clerk: “Wait, they aren’t notarized.”

Him: “Yeah, don’t you do that?”

Clerk: “No. You have to take them to a notary.”

Him: getting irate, “Where do I do that!?”

Me: “Danny, as I was trying to say before, there’s a Bank Of America two blocks from here.”

Him: storms off

Clerk: Directed to me. “I can almost see why you want a divorce!”

I smiled and apologized for his actions and agreed with her. I told her she has part of the reason already.

So basically, at this point, you can probably see how the actual divorce proceeding was going. In the public eye, I was taking it one step at a time and not letting it get the best of me. For the past two years I had struggled with my inner demon. I had wondered if I made the right choice. I doubted myself in so many ways. I had been on a never-ending roller coaster that I was still waiting on to get off.

We notarized the documents and they were finally filed. A few days pass and we get word that the official court date is set for June 28, 2010. Exactly 3 days after our third anniversary. Some relief came over me, but not much. Now I worried that something would go wrong in court and the papers would not get signed. Being the “defendant” in the case, my presence was still not necessary in court. I decided that I would go anyway just to be sure. I knew I could not rely on my husband to follow through with anything. It was a big issue for him. He rarely followed through with his word and whenever he did, it was always something that was self-satisfying.

Divorce Papers!

After awhile, I simply became a recluse. I stopped talking to people. My social life became almost obsolete. I was living in a world that I had created for myself of sorrow and regret. I was vulnerable and desperate. I was depressed and angry. I had no idea where or what my next move in life would be. I honestly do not believe he really knew how much I loved him. He didn’t want to know. He will never know the impact of hardship I faced on a day to day basis of being a loyal military wife. He will never know the amount of tears I shed, or the length of time it took me to rebuild my broken heart.

It had been a little over a year since I returned from Germany and decided to proceed with a divorce. Papers had not been filed yet, and I had no motivation to do anything about it. He was still stationed in Germany and I was back living in Virginia under my parent’s roof. It wouldn’t be for another year and a half that anything would get filed or done about it. I got some hope when he was discharged from the army in November of 2009 and returned to Virginia Beach. We had the papers drawn up through an internet resource that he was insistent on using. I just wanted to get it over with so that I could close the chapter in my life and jump on the healing wagon officially.

I remember getting a little excited when I received the email that contained the papers. This was around January of 2010. Two years had passed since my return from Germany and it was 2 months shy of two years that I had made the decision official. I printed them out and quickly started to review them. I was shocked to see how many errors were in the document, with the main one being that it was referencing Hampton to be a county. I immediately took the papers to a paralegal that I knew to ask her to look over them. She did and came back saying exactly what I was thinking. It needed to say the City of Hampton instead of Hampton County.

I told him about that and the other errors and he would not listen to me. I felt like it was back to square one. This is what I had been going through all along with him. He did not want to listen to what I had to say and swore that whatever he did was the correct way. The only difference this time is that I had had enough. I figured I would let him take the papers to the clerk’s office and attempt to file them and I wanted to be there when he did. Why you ask? My presence was not necessary due to him being insistent before with being the plaintiff. I wanted to be there so that I could laugh at him when the clerk told him the same information that I had tried telling him before. I wanted to see his embarrassment when he was told he was wrong. The conversation between him and the clerk went something like this:

Clerk: “The judge and court won’t accept this. Hampton is a city, not a county.”

Him: “I went through an online divorce papers website, and that is how they came back to me.”

Clerk: “Those websites aren’t always accurate.”

Him: “But my friends all went through the websites and …”

Clerk: interrupting him, “And your friends are probably still married, aren’t they?”

Me: smirking in the background, trying to control my laughter.

Clerk: “You have to get them fixed or have a new one drawn up. The court won’t accept these.”

Him: “But I paid $250 for these ones!”

Me: “Danny, hold on. I can re-write them. I’ll use that on as a guideline and fix it to where the court will accept it.”

Him: “Ok, fine!” and he stormed out the door.

My laughter finally breaks free at this point and I look at the clerk and apologize for his actions. I told her I tried explaining that to him already, but he wouldn’t listen to me. She understood and told me it was alright.

Living in San Diego

I began to see myself making rash decisions. These decisions I would have never made with a clear mind. I felt that I needed to get away from everything I knew. If I did so, I would start to feel better and heal. Or so I thought. I met a guy online that was a member of a band that I was figuratively in love with. I began pouring my heart out to him. He sympathized and even sent me flowers. This gave me false hope and false happiness. I was literally trying to hide the pain through him.

I decided to move to California to be with him. I was still legally married, so I started telling my husband a few things. I told him I was thinking about moving. I mentioned Georgia, South Dakota, North Dakota, Spain and California. Different reasons and different people followed each location. I told him that I would return back to Virginia in January. Little did he know was that this would be the trip I made to get the divorce in motion. He told me he was going to file a desertion clause if I left Virginia. All I could do was laugh hysterically. The little bit of knowledge I had of divorce stated that you can only have a grounds of desertion if the spouse leaves the marital home with no intention of returning and without informing the other party. I was telling him that I was leaving for awhile! Granted, I made it out to be that I wasn’t sure yet as to where I was going, but I was keeping him informed. Also, we never had a marital home and we considered ourselves separated. I told him this information I had along with the fact that he knew how to contact me. I had no intentions of shutting him out of my life completely yet. He had my phone number, he had my parents’ number, he had their address, and my email would still be valid. If at any point he wanted to get a hold of me or know where I was, he had resources of doing just that.

When I moved to California in June, I moved in with another man. We were just roommates and I figured it was far enough away to not look fishy. I was still battling my own insecurities. I was still trying to rebuild myself. What I did not know at the time was that the next 6 months of my life would be an emotional turmoil. The guy ended up being abusive. About a week before Christmas, I wanted to talk to him about something. With the emotional state I was still in from my marriage, I was in no shape to think rationally. He was on his phone talking to someone, and out of nowhere I grabbed it and pushed the hang up button. We yelled back and forth, him about his phone and me about wanting to talk. Then, he came after me. I ran into the bedroom and attempted to close the door behind me. I was too late and weak in my efforts as he pushed through the door with raging colors. He threw me onto the bed and began to strangle me. He threatened that he was going to kill me. The next few moments were a blur as I fought for my life.

Upon breaking free, I jetted from the apartment. I went to the local grocery store that was around the corner and one of the guys I knew that worked there sat outside with me while I waited for the cops. My mom had told me horror stories about her ex-husband being abusive. I learned through her mistake of staying with him for awhile. Her story allowed me to be smart and not tolerate an abusive man.

After filing the police report, I was transferred to a homeless shelter for domestic violence victims. I already had a return flight to Virginia set up in January so I could return to get my divorce processed. But that wasn’t for another three weeks! I tossed and turned that first night being in total disbelief. In one year, I go from being married and wanting a divorce, to moving across the country and becoming homeless, even if only temporary. My world came crashing down harder than I could have ever imagined. I finally realized the full extent of where my emotions and mental state lied and it was as though they hit an all time low. I did manage to get my flight advanced two weeks, so I was leaving California on Christmas day.

The Decision

The first couple of weeks of March of 2008 I had started to let my secret be known to my mom. I would drop subtle hints about the big D word to her. I remember vividly one night standing in her kitchen after telling her that I wanted a divorce. I was wailing. She didn’t understand and neither did my dad. She said that I should try and work it out and wait. “Momma, I’ve been trying. There’s no hope anymore.” I told her. I could barely speak through my tears. At the time, I didn’t understand why she was pushing me to keep trying. All I could see was that she was siding with him. I felt hopeless. I tried explaining to her what was going on the previous months. I honestly felt completely alone at this point. I had no clue of what to do. It appeared that my mom wasn’t being supportive, and my dad just sat in the background and listened. Both of my parents had been divorced before getting together, so I had went into the conversation expecting them to be more sympathetic. They probably were, but with the state of mind I was in, I failed to see it. It was as though I was a teenager all over again, and that’s what teenagers do, they fail to see the true intent of their parents.

The following day, I called my husband to break the news to him. He wept, he pleaded with me to not do it. Honestly, I did not expect this reaction from him. I expected him to be ok with it. I told him that I already decided that it is what I want, and that there were no ways of avoiding it at this point. This particular day was my birthday. I had turned 25 that day. This was also exactly 6 weeks and 3 days following my return from Germany. I believe I had actually made the decision after 6 weeks, but waited the extra 3 days to be certain before I jumped on the divorce wagon. I considered myself separated as of January 28^th, the day after I returned from Germany, even though there wasn’t anything documented with the courts. It was the first day that he and I were not cohabitating and well after the last time we had sexual intercourse.

During the weeks that followed, my mom and husband began exchanging emails. His intent was to try and reach out to her as being the good guy. Her intent was to try and fully understand the situation. She also tried explaining to him the type of person I was. He had no part in it, he could care less. Or at least, that’s how it came across to her. When she went to clarify what he had written to her, he would either ignore it or come up with some excuse or non-relating reasoning for it. It wasn’t until then that I knew that my mom fully understood where I was coming from. She came to me one day and told me she was sorry and that she could now see what I saw. We both cried a little bit. She was finally on my side completely instead of being a mutual party. She saw his condescending ways first hand. She saw how he put himself on a pedestal, even to her. She saw how he spoke of me. She was able to read between the lines like I had. I felt a little relieved to know that she was finally beginning to see everything in a clear and bright light.

My overseas voyage!

Throughout the duration that I was in Germany with him, he constantly accused me of cheating on him and being pregnant. “Wow,” I thought, “That’s a ridiculous claim.” He asked me why I couldn’t be the typical army wife. Due to my research and what others have said, both of the above statements are contradictory. You see, I knew a lot of military personnel. They were always telling me about how either they or their fellow service members were finding their spouse to be cheating on them. I have nothing to base this on as actual evidence, for all I have is word of mouth. So I was under the assumption, at the time, that the typical army wife cheats on her husband whenever possible. My own husband even told me stories about how he would see the wives run off the first chance they got to have sexual intercourse with a man other than her husband. So why exactly was he wanting me to be a typical army wife. What I gathered as his definition of a typical wife was someone who was loyal and obedient to her husband. This I did fulfill. I was the loyal wife he wanted and deserved. I consistently gave him my all.

I had gained some weight between our marriage and my trip to Germany. He looked at this as my being pregnant. He did not want to listen to the fact that woman generally gain some weight during stressful and emotional times. The amount of weight varies from one person to another, but it does happen. Obviously, he could not have been the one to plant the seed and cause my pregnancy, so I was cheating on him. I will share some insight on how closed minded my husband really was. I am infertile. I am unable to get pregnant due to a medical condition. He knew this. He was well aware of this fact about me well before we said our vows. But yet, he still insisted I was pregnant and cheating on him. Well, let me clarify a little. I can get pregnant if I used fertility drugs, and even that can be a hit or miss and take years to be effective. He had been away for 6 months; there is no way that I could have gotten pregnant in that short amount of time, assuming I was actually cheating on him. I didn’t want to be with another man in that way. All I wanted was him, and he refused to believe it.

Upon returning to the states, my parents met me at the airport and were there when they were supposed to. They were actually a few minutes late, but by the time I found my luggage and pulled it off the conveyor belt; they were there with open arms. They asked me how my trip had gone and I told them it was good. For the most part, it was. I figured I would get into the nitty gritty details later on in the week. I did not want to alarm them until after I had thought everything through and was certain of my next course of action.

Over the next few weeks, I felt broken, unappreciated and lost in what I considered my world of chaos. I continued to talk with my husband and tried to make sense of it all. I was contemplating divorce and at the same time, I was trying to look for ways to save the marriage. Every time I saw some hope, he would basically knock me back down again. If it wasn’t my supposed cheating, it was money. He constantly denied me my share of the BAH. He even went as far as trying to deny me my share of the tax return. Granted, when you are married it’s all supposed to go into the same place. He was insistent on having separate accounts. So I insisted that at least half of the tax return be allotted to me. I was able to squeeze a thousand out of him, even though half would have been $1500. I was reliant on the tax return to make final payments on credit cards and to get my wisdom teeth removed. Another thing with money is that I asked him for a little extra of the BAH so that I could eat. This was asked before my trip to Germany. He refused, and I noticed or heard from him that he would go out every weekend to bars and drink the nights away.

During this whole time, he would consistently put me down and felt that he was better than me. He may not have realized this, but it is how he came across. So this is what I was facing as well. I was at my wit’s end.

The boarding and landing

So January comes around and I began to make preparations for the trip. I was scheduled to depart on the 8^th and return on the 27^th. I had explained to the landlord that I was going out of the country for a while and that I should return on the 27^th. This was my first time ever leaving the United States so I was a little nervous. With the 27^th being so close to the first of the month, I asked if I could go ahead and give them two rent checks, one for January, and a second for February. I had asked this in case the return flights got delayed in the event of an unforeseeable occurrence. She was happy to work with me, and accepted the second check, dated for 2-1-2008. She told me she would put it with the other checks she gets early from soldiers. The apartment was practically next door to the Air Force Base, so there were a lot of airmen in the apartments. I don’t think she would have allowed me to “pay in advance” so to speak if she didn’t already do the same thing with military personal that had to leave for a few weeks at a time.

So, I was happy. My ducks were in line. I was ready to board the plane in Norfolk. At this point, I had no idea what to expect. Would I find something to confirm my suspicions? Was he actually doing anything and if so, would he have had enough time to squash it, even if only temporarily. Was he being loyal all along and my gut was giving me inaccurate instincts? Keep in mind; I never accused him of anything. I never mentioned the emails I found. What I was really doing in this trip was to try and put everything that happened in the past behind me. I wanted to look towards a brighter future, with my husband. I wanted him to see what it would actually be like with me so close to him. I wanted him to reap of the benefits of having a wife to come home to with dinner in the oven. I wanted to do the wifely duties of taking care of him. I yearned to be close to him. I was in love with him, despite his flaws that I saw on a day to day basis in emails and phone calls.

Upon landing in Frankfurt, I was exhausted. I had not slept on the plane like I had hoped. With it being an overnight flight and landing in Frankfurt during the mid morning hours local time, I had been awake for close to 18 hours in total. This doesn’t include the 2-3 hour train and bus ride that I had to embark upon in order to get to my final destination. I mention this so that I can share some of the reason as to why I decided to go forward with the divorce upon my return to the states. My husband told me that he would meet me outside of baggage claim and ride with me the rest of the way. As I exited the doors of baggage claim where he was supposed to be waiting, he was nowhere to be found. I waited and looked around in the close proximity for a good half hour before I decided to find a phone. I exchanged some currency, bought a donut so that I could get change to use in the pay phone. I called him. No answer. I tried a second time, again no answer. I thought that maybe there was a delay with the trains so I headed back to baggage claim. I waited for an additional 20 minutes before I went back to the phone to try the call again. No answer. I began to walk around the airport because I was tired and was afraid I’d fall asleep. Having my baggage and being in a foreign country, I wanted to stay alert.

I found the train station that was attached to the airport and assumed that this is where he would arrive. I hung out there for about ten minutes before making my way back to baggage claim. On the way, I found a lost-in-found office. I was frustrated and stressed out. So, in order to try and lighten my mood a little, I walked into the office and declared that I had lost my husband. The poor gentleman behind the counter knew little English and had no idea what I was trying to say. I could tell he was trying to help me in the best way he could. Even though I had no idea what he was saying, I could tell you that he was one of the nicest and sweetest people that I came across in my voyage across the pond. His body language said it all. He got me hooked up with an employee that was American and spoke English in the same fashion as me. Only problem was that she was in an office on the opposite side of me. She actually worked with the American military personnel that came through the airport. This was good I thought! I gave her the number I had for my husband and she told me she would continue to try and contact him. She also told me I could leave my luggage in the office while I went back to baggage claim to search for him.

On the way back to the area we were supposed to meet, he found me. Because of my mental and physical state at this point, I was staring at the floor as I walked. I barely had the strength to walk, yet alone keep my head held high. We embraced and it felt nice to finally be in the presence of a familiar face. I told him we had to go back to the ISO office so that I could get my things and let them know that I found him. He thought of this as humorous. He began to tell me that he had been on this hallway all along, and that surely he would have found me if I was in the area. All lies, I thought. I had been either directly in front of the baggage claim or on the hallway for the majority of the time I was in the airport. I had only left to use the phone and find the train station, and of course, the time I was in the two offices. It couldn’t have been longer than a half hour that I was away. I let it go though. I figured it was better to let it be than to start an argument or make accusations. I asked him where his phone was and why he didn’t answer it when I called. He told me he left it at home and felt he didn’t need it. “You didn’t need it? You should have known that I would find a way to call you if we didn’t find each other in a reasonable amount of time!” I said this in the nicest way possible to him. He apologized and we called it a day.

The trip conversation

During the same conversation that I ended with in my last post, I told him that I would have to quit my job in order to come out there because they wouldn’t give me the time off. He added more concern, and told me that maybe this was a bad idea. It was almost like I couldn’t even finish what I was trying to say to him before he would throw in negative remarks. I barely got to tell him that I had already spoken with my mom about going to work for her upon my return. Again, he threw in negative remarks about my mom and her business. “How is she going to afford to pay you?” and “How are you so sure that this will be guaranteed” he asked.

I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time. He would not listen to me. It was almost like he was still trying to talk me out of coming, even if it was only temporary. I tried to explain to him that my mom would not have suggested I work for her if she couldn’t foot the bill and that I would not have accepted it if I didn’t believe her. I tried explaining to him that my bills were almost paid off, so I would be debt free. With the little bit he sent me from the BAH, along with what she was able to offer me would be able to cover what I needed in February, easy. I even had to tell him that if I found out that this scenario wouldn’t work like I had hoped, I would find alternate employment. Granted, I knew it would work. The BAH covered my rent. So the only bills I had were the basic necessities of food, electricity, internet, gas and auto insurance. All of which didn’t exceed $400 per month. So basically, if I worked a minimum of $100 a week with my mom, I was good.

Finally, after about an hour of discussions, he was finally ok with my 3 week trip. He told me he would find somewhere for me to stay while I was there. We got off the phone and he emails me sometime later to tell me that he did find a place for me to stay on base. I would be staying with a fellow soldier and his wife in their guest room. He lived in a building that didn’t allow overnight guests. As I read through this email he sent, I got the feeling of excitement from him. Finally, I thought, finally. He had also mentioned that he was going to look into going to Ireland while I was there so we could go on our long overdue honeymoon. His ancestors are from Ireland, so he always wanted to go there. I didn’t really want to go to Ireland at the time, I had other places of interest higher on my list of countries I wanted to go and see. I didn’t argue or suggest something else to him. I just went along with it.

He is the type of person that only sees the black and white and looks only inside the box. Any alternative motion that is different than what his mindset is saying has a tendency of pissing him off. Like I said, it took about an hour of talking and explaining to him to get him to accept that I was coming to see him. This would have been almost instantaneous for any other soldier that loved and was devoted to his wife. I knew he would have concerns about my employment. What spouse wouldn’t? But the fact that he tried to talk me out of coming and basically put down my employment efforts as though I did not know what I was doing was beyond reasonable.

I had come to learn that with most things, I should just let him have the control. I was trying to be a dutiful wife despite the emails I found and despite my suspicions of infidelity. I had no solid ground to stand on regarding infidelity. All I had was the suspicion because of the way he was acting regarding a possible move to Germany and a simple 3 weeklong visit. Not to mention the emails I had read.

Marriage and Divorce, My story told

When I first decided that I was ready for a divorce, I was lost for words. I had no idea how to break the news to my husband. Further, I was unsure how to tell my parents. What would they think and how would they react? I vividly remember staring at the floor in my living room. My reasoning’s as to why I chose to go down the path of divorce circled around in my head for hours. I remember thinking back to the times that these reasons came clear to me.

He was in the United States Army and was stationed in Germany. We were married in June of 2007 while he was home on leave. After we were married, I was getting anxious to move out there to be with him. He was in a location that allowed servicemen and women to bring their immediate families to live and stay for the time that they were stationed. In our situation, he refused to allow me to come with him. He made excuses as to why I should stay in Virginia, all of which I came back with a reason as to why it would be ok. One of the most popular excuses he gave me was that he wanted me to be close to my friends and family back home. I repeatedly reminded him that he was my family now. He was the most important to me and that I wanted to be wherever he was, whenever possible.

Sometime around August of 2007, I was looking through my computer. I was actually in the process of cleaning out folders and removing files that I no longer needed. I was doing this so that I could properly defrag it. I came across a folder that contained emails that were exchanged between my husband and another woman. They were all dated in January. But what I found them to say both shocked me and broke my heart a little with each new message that I read. By the time I finished reading them; I was in tears and could barely breathe. Basically, the emails exchanged were referring to him going out with a girl and being persistent with her, even after she had started to say no. It was obvious she knew about me, for she had mentioned me to him. She did not know my specifics or anything, just that he was dating someone. The line of one of his responses that I still carry today is when he told her, “Its ok, wedding bells are not ringing”. What does this have to do with anything? I will tell you. In December of 2006 we were talking about marriage. He came home on leave in January and proposed to me. So for wedding bells to supposedly not be ringing baffled me.

Over the next month, I decided that I was going to go to Germany. I did not consult him prior to doing what I needed to do in order to get there. It was something that I had to completely do myself. I had to search out for the funds to purchase the ticket. I ended up having to quit my job in order to take the time off of work to visit him. I had to put everything I knew on hold so that I could go out there and try to figure out why he did not want me there. I was desperate to see what he saw, hear what he heard, and feel what he felt. I was desperate to try and put the emails I found behind me. It was something that happened prior to our marriage and I felt it wasn’t worth bringing up.

After the plane ticket was purchased and the dates were set, I sent him a copy of the flight schedule that I would be on. It seemed as though no sooner than I hit send, I received a call from him. His response at first was a little concerned. He wanted to know where I had gotten the money from. I told him it was luck. One of the things I had done was sign up for a contest that a local radio station does every fall. They ask the listeners for Christmas wishes. Now, these wishes can either be for you or for a loved one. As they get a wish in, they read it over determine if they will grant said wish. I submitted a wish to travel to Germany and see my husband, to whom I haven’t seen since we were married. I added in extra details about our situation and why it was important to me to fly out there. “My wish was granted” I told him. They gave me $750 dollars for airfare and travel expenses. In addition they gave me two gift cards to Wal-mart totaling $198 so that I could purchase food for myself as well as some gifts for my family.