How My Self Esteem and Confidence Got Shot

As I stated in my last post, I was going to start shifting towards a different aspect in the life after divorce segment. And that’s just what I plan on doing. Before, I went through my reflection stages and getting myself to get back up on my personal bandwagon. Upon completion of this post, I will start talking about re-entering the dating world.

It was a scary thing for me to think about for a while, dating again. I had no idea how to date and had completely forgotten how to meet people. I was lost, alone and afraid to throw myself out there. I was living with my parents, and even my mom saw how alone I was and the difficulties I was going through. She suggested that I go to college in hopes that it would help me meet someone. That didn’t work too well, at least not at first.

I was extremely shy and afraid to talk to anyone. My self-esteem and confidence had been shot due to the negative remarks my soon to be ex gave me. Even my dad told me I was fat once. I’m sure he meant well, and only wanted to get me motivated to diet and exercise, but it still put a major dent in my self-esteem. Not only that, but I was constantly reminded of my weight gain every time I looked in the mirror. You see, I was 120 pounds before I got married, and upon my separation, I had reached somewhere around 170. Trust me, I was a little chunky monkey there for a while.

I bring the weight gain up because it was what really caused my self-esteem and confidence to go down. It also added a whirl wind of depression to race through me at any random moment. My biggest regret through this time is not getting back out there and allowing my outer appearance get the best of me. I needed to lose weight, but I lacked the motivation to do something about it. I remember constantly asking myself what was wrong with me. Before I got married I was able to go up to any guy and start chatting away. I was able to pick up men like they were lost sheep. I mean, I got 4 marriage proposals before saying yes to my ex-husband. Yes, you read that right. FOUR! I was an outgoing diva that strived in the social world. And here I was, a mere 2 years later, lost and alone.

This is actually what threw me into the reflection stage that I talked about before, but I felt I should cover it in more detail so that you will be able to better understand what went on during the dating stages that I endured over the next 2 years. What you will learn over the next few posts about me and my dating habits after divorce will come as a surprise. It surprised me even, but I feel now that it all happened in order to push me in the direction that I ultimately went. I want each of you to take something out of all of this, and that is that everything does happen for a reason. I know that at the time, through all of my tears and questions of why, I didn’t understand why everything horrible was happening to me.

I’m sure that many of you are asking yourselves the same questions I once asked myself. Why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me? What did I do that was so terribly wrong? Ladies, (and gents if you’re reading), I assure you that NOTHING is wrong with you. You didn’t do anything that was terribly wrong. Look at your current situation like this. Tell yourself, “This is happening to me now in order to make me stronger. It is giving me the backbone and experience that I need in order to love someone better, stronger and easier. It is showing me that I can get through anything, and I will appreciate returned love better.” So next time you see your ex, or soon to be ex, thank him, for he is the reason that your next love will be even sweeter.

Let It Go

Recently, I started listening to an album by Keyshia Cole, entitled Just Like You. Though out the entire album, it seems, she is singing about self reflection and standing for what she believes in. She also sings about relationships going astray and how if a man doesn't love her in the way he should, she should let it go. Even though the title track is titled Let It Go, it appears as though that line comes up more times than not in the other tracks.This is a great message for any woman. Why? The answer is simple. If the man you are with is not making you happy in the ways you desire or not making the effort to keep the relationship alive, than you must ask yourself if it is worth the pain or to let it go.

I do have a reasoning behind bringing this album up. You see, the last time I actually listened to this album was when I was married. I listened to it repeatedly while I was trying to decide for myself if I wanted to go down the road of divorce. I listened to it repeatedly after I told my ex-husband the news. It helped me realize that I did deserve better. It helped me realize that I needed to refocus on myself and that I needed someone in my life that would make me happy without even trying.

The album is great for listening to casually and in passing. It wasn't until I sat down and actually listened to the songs individually that it made sense and connected with what I was going through. For example, "Give Me More" first appeared to just being another song about a woman wanting more from her partner. "Oh, she's just mad that he did something stupid" I thought. Well, when I started to relate it to my situation, it was almost as though this song was the beginning stages of trying to work it out. It's like she's pleading with him to be better, to work harder, and to make the connections again. I easily saw how this song related, but deep down, I had a feeling that regardless of what I did or said, my ex-husband would continue to be the same man that he always was.

Then I went onto the next two tracks. Track three is titled "I Remember" Another break-up song at first listen. But when I listened to it on that night, I cried. It was almost as though she was singing the words that I couldn't bring myself to say. She basically goes on to remember how she felt when she was on her verging point. Heart break, sorrow and loneliness is sung through the chorus. Track four talks about how she "shoulda let it go a long time ago". She feels that she shouldnt have let the relationship get as far as it did because of what I imagine as being the womanly instincts that I'm sure every woman gets. I remember listening to these two tracks and thinking, "she is right." I should have let it go before I ever even let it get to the point that it had gotten.

Really, I bring this album up because it allowed me to steer closer to the path that I am on now. I bring it up because without this album, my reflection stage would have never occurred or happened in the manner that it did. The album helped me see that I needed to stop being a dead weight in a marriage that was going no where. It shared with me that life is better when your happy with yourself first. It opened up new doors that allowed me to walk down a path to better myself instead of worrying about what others would think or say about my predicament. It taught me to love myself first, and to do things that made me happy. How can I make others happy if I can not be happy with myself first. It also showed me that life is too short to be with a man that disrespects me and doesn't love me in a way that I truly deserved. It was that extra push that I needed to get my divorce process started so that I can move forward towards a life of happiness and prosperity. This album was the best thing to happen to me while I was married, and any one of you who has not listened to it or heard about it should give it a listen.

If not for this album, I probably wouldn't be living in Terre Haute pursuing a degree in Chemistry. I would have never learned how to be happy with myself or how to love myself properly first. Oh, and did I mention that I'm engaged again? Yep, that's right. I'm engaged.

Which brings me to the next phase of my Divorce blog. Love After Divorce. Keep your eyes peeled for the trials and tribulations of re-entering the dating world.