Living in San Diego

I began to see myself making rash decisions. These decisions I would have never made with a clear mind. I felt that I needed to get away from everything I knew. If I did so, I would start to feel better and heal. Or so I thought. I met a guy online that was a member of a band that I was figuratively in love with. I began pouring my heart out to him. He sympathized and even sent me flowers. This gave me false hope and false happiness. I was literally trying to hide the pain through him.

I decided to move to California to be with him. I was still legally married, so I started telling my husband a few things. I told him I was thinking about moving. I mentioned Georgia, South Dakota, North Dakota, Spain and California. Different reasons and different people followed each location. I told him that I would return back to Virginia in January. Little did he know was that this would be the trip I made to get the divorce in motion. He told me he was going to file a desertion clause if I left Virginia. All I could do was laugh hysterically. The little bit of knowledge I had of divorce stated that you can only have a grounds of desertion if the spouse leaves the marital home with no intention of returning and without informing the other party. I was telling him that I was leaving for awhile! Granted, I made it out to be that I wasn’t sure yet as to where I was going, but I was keeping him informed. Also, we never had a marital home and we considered ourselves separated. I told him this information I had along with the fact that he knew how to contact me. I had no intentions of shutting him out of my life completely yet. He had my phone number, he had my parents’ number, he had their address, and my email would still be valid. If at any point he wanted to get a hold of me or know where I was, he had resources of doing just that.

When I moved to California in June, I moved in with another man. We were just roommates and I figured it was far enough away to not look fishy. I was still battling my own insecurities. I was still trying to rebuild myself. What I did not know at the time was that the next 6 months of my life would be an emotional turmoil. The guy ended up being abusive. About a week before Christmas, I wanted to talk to him about something. With the emotional state I was still in from my marriage, I was in no shape to think rationally. He was on his phone talking to someone, and out of nowhere I grabbed it and pushed the hang up button. We yelled back and forth, him about his phone and me about wanting to talk. Then, he came after me. I ran into the bedroom and attempted to close the door behind me. I was too late and weak in my efforts as he pushed through the door with raging colors. He threw me onto the bed and began to strangle me. He threatened that he was going to kill me. The next few moments were a blur as I fought for my life.

Upon breaking free, I jetted from the apartment. I went to the local grocery store that was around the corner and one of the guys I knew that worked there sat outside with me while I waited for the cops. My mom had told me horror stories about her ex-husband being abusive. I learned through her mistake of staying with him for awhile. Her story allowed me to be smart and not tolerate an abusive man.

After filing the police report, I was transferred to a homeless shelter for domestic violence victims. I already had a return flight to Virginia set up in January so I could return to get my divorce processed. But that wasn’t for another three weeks! I tossed and turned that first night being in total disbelief. In one year, I go from being married and wanting a divorce, to moving across the country and becoming homeless, even if only temporary. My world came crashing down harder than I could have ever imagined. I finally realized the full extent of where my emotions and mental state lied and it was as though they hit an all time low. I did manage to get my flight advanced two weeks, so I was leaving California on Christmas day.

The Decision

The first couple of weeks of March of 2008 I had started to let my secret be known to my mom. I would drop subtle hints about the big D word to her. I remember vividly one night standing in her kitchen after telling her that I wanted a divorce. I was wailing. She didn’t understand and neither did my dad. She said that I should try and work it out and wait. “Momma, I’ve been trying. There’s no hope anymore.” I told her. I could barely speak through my tears. At the time, I didn’t understand why she was pushing me to keep trying. All I could see was that she was siding with him. I felt hopeless. I tried explaining to her what was going on the previous months. I honestly felt completely alone at this point. I had no clue of what to do. It appeared that my mom wasn’t being supportive, and my dad just sat in the background and listened. Both of my parents had been divorced before getting together, so I had went into the conversation expecting them to be more sympathetic. They probably were, but with the state of mind I was in, I failed to see it. It was as though I was a teenager all over again, and that’s what teenagers do, they fail to see the true intent of their parents.

The following day, I called my husband to break the news to him. He wept, he pleaded with me to not do it. Honestly, I did not expect this reaction from him. I expected him to be ok with it. I told him that I already decided that it is what I want, and that there were no ways of avoiding it at this point. This particular day was my birthday. I had turned 25 that day. This was also exactly 6 weeks and 3 days following my return from Germany. I believe I had actually made the decision after 6 weeks, but waited the extra 3 days to be certain before I jumped on the divorce wagon. I considered myself separated as of January 28^th, the day after I returned from Germany, even though there wasn’t anything documented with the courts. It was the first day that he and I were not cohabitating and well after the last time we had sexual intercourse.

During the weeks that followed, my mom and husband began exchanging emails. His intent was to try and reach out to her as being the good guy. Her intent was to try and fully understand the situation. She also tried explaining to him the type of person I was. He had no part in it, he could care less. Or at least, that’s how it came across to her. When she went to clarify what he had written to her, he would either ignore it or come up with some excuse or non-relating reasoning for it. It wasn’t until then that I knew that my mom fully understood where I was coming from. She came to me one day and told me she was sorry and that she could now see what I saw. We both cried a little bit. She was finally on my side completely instead of being a mutual party. She saw his condescending ways first hand. She saw how he put himself on a pedestal, even to her. She saw how he spoke of me. She was able to read between the lines like I had. I felt a little relieved to know that she was finally beginning to see everything in a clear and bright light.

My overseas voyage!

Throughout the duration that I was in Germany with him, he constantly accused me of cheating on him and being pregnant. “Wow,” I thought, “That’s a ridiculous claim.” He asked me why I couldn’t be the typical army wife. Due to my research and what others have said, both of the above statements are contradictory. You see, I knew a lot of military personnel. They were always telling me about how either they or their fellow service members were finding their spouse to be cheating on them. I have nothing to base this on as actual evidence, for all I have is word of mouth. So I was under the assumption, at the time, that the typical army wife cheats on her husband whenever possible. My own husband even told me stories about how he would see the wives run off the first chance they got to have sexual intercourse with a man other than her husband. So why exactly was he wanting me to be a typical army wife. What I gathered as his definition of a typical wife was someone who was loyal and obedient to her husband. This I did fulfill. I was the loyal wife he wanted and deserved. I consistently gave him my all.

I had gained some weight between our marriage and my trip to Germany. He looked at this as my being pregnant. He did not want to listen to the fact that woman generally gain some weight during stressful and emotional times. The amount of weight varies from one person to another, but it does happen. Obviously, he could not have been the one to plant the seed and cause my pregnancy, so I was cheating on him. I will share some insight on how closed minded my husband really was. I am infertile. I am unable to get pregnant due to a medical condition. He knew this. He was well aware of this fact about me well before we said our vows. But yet, he still insisted I was pregnant and cheating on him. Well, let me clarify a little. I can get pregnant if I used fertility drugs, and even that can be a hit or miss and take years to be effective. He had been away for 6 months; there is no way that I could have gotten pregnant in that short amount of time, assuming I was actually cheating on him. I didn’t want to be with another man in that way. All I wanted was him, and he refused to believe it.

Upon returning to the states, my parents met me at the airport and were there when they were supposed to. They were actually a few minutes late, but by the time I found my luggage and pulled it off the conveyor belt; they were there with open arms. They asked me how my trip had gone and I told them it was good. For the most part, it was. I figured I would get into the nitty gritty details later on in the week. I did not want to alarm them until after I had thought everything through and was certain of my next course of action.

Over the next few weeks, I felt broken, unappreciated and lost in what I considered my world of chaos. I continued to talk with my husband and tried to make sense of it all. I was contemplating divorce and at the same time, I was trying to look for ways to save the marriage. Every time I saw some hope, he would basically knock me back down again. If it wasn’t my supposed cheating, it was money. He constantly denied me my share of the BAH. He even went as far as trying to deny me my share of the tax return. Granted, when you are married it’s all supposed to go into the same place. He was insistent on having separate accounts. So I insisted that at least half of the tax return be allotted to me. I was able to squeeze a thousand out of him, even though half would have been $1500. I was reliant on the tax return to make final payments on credit cards and to get my wisdom teeth removed. Another thing with money is that I asked him for a little extra of the BAH so that I could eat. This was asked before my trip to Germany. He refused, and I noticed or heard from him that he would go out every weekend to bars and drink the nights away.

During this whole time, he would consistently put me down and felt that he was better than me. He may not have realized this, but it is how he came across. So this is what I was facing as well. I was at my wit’s end.

The boarding and landing

So January comes around and I began to make preparations for the trip. I was scheduled to depart on the 8^th and return on the 27^th. I had explained to the landlord that I was going out of the country for a while and that I should return on the 27^th. This was my first time ever leaving the United States so I was a little nervous. With the 27^th being so close to the first of the month, I asked if I could go ahead and give them two rent checks, one for January, and a second for February. I had asked this in case the return flights got delayed in the event of an unforeseeable occurrence. She was happy to work with me, and accepted the second check, dated for 2-1-2008. She told me she would put it with the other checks she gets early from soldiers. The apartment was practically next door to the Air Force Base, so there were a lot of airmen in the apartments. I don’t think she would have allowed me to “pay in advance” so to speak if she didn’t already do the same thing with military personal that had to leave for a few weeks at a time.

So, I was happy. My ducks were in line. I was ready to board the plane in Norfolk. At this point, I had no idea what to expect. Would I find something to confirm my suspicions? Was he actually doing anything and if so, would he have had enough time to squash it, even if only temporarily. Was he being loyal all along and my gut was giving me inaccurate instincts? Keep in mind; I never accused him of anything. I never mentioned the emails I found. What I was really doing in this trip was to try and put everything that happened in the past behind me. I wanted to look towards a brighter future, with my husband. I wanted him to see what it would actually be like with me so close to him. I wanted him to reap of the benefits of having a wife to come home to with dinner in the oven. I wanted to do the wifely duties of taking care of him. I yearned to be close to him. I was in love with him, despite his flaws that I saw on a day to day basis in emails and phone calls.

Upon landing in Frankfurt, I was exhausted. I had not slept on the plane like I had hoped. With it being an overnight flight and landing in Frankfurt during the mid morning hours local time, I had been awake for close to 18 hours in total. This doesn’t include the 2-3 hour train and bus ride that I had to embark upon in order to get to my final destination. I mention this so that I can share some of the reason as to why I decided to go forward with the divorce upon my return to the states. My husband told me that he would meet me outside of baggage claim and ride with me the rest of the way. As I exited the doors of baggage claim where he was supposed to be waiting, he was nowhere to be found. I waited and looked around in the close proximity for a good half hour before I decided to find a phone. I exchanged some currency, bought a donut so that I could get change to use in the pay phone. I called him. No answer. I tried a second time, again no answer. I thought that maybe there was a delay with the trains so I headed back to baggage claim. I waited for an additional 20 minutes before I went back to the phone to try the call again. No answer. I began to walk around the airport because I was tired and was afraid I’d fall asleep. Having my baggage and being in a foreign country, I wanted to stay alert.

I found the train station that was attached to the airport and assumed that this is where he would arrive. I hung out there for about ten minutes before making my way back to baggage claim. On the way, I found a lost-in-found office. I was frustrated and stressed out. So, in order to try and lighten my mood a little, I walked into the office and declared that I had lost my husband. The poor gentleman behind the counter knew little English and had no idea what I was trying to say. I could tell he was trying to help me in the best way he could. Even though I had no idea what he was saying, I could tell you that he was one of the nicest and sweetest people that I came across in my voyage across the pond. His body language said it all. He got me hooked up with an employee that was American and spoke English in the same fashion as me. Only problem was that she was in an office on the opposite side of me. She actually worked with the American military personnel that came through the airport. This was good I thought! I gave her the number I had for my husband and she told me she would continue to try and contact him. She also told me I could leave my luggage in the office while I went back to baggage claim to search for him.

On the way back to the area we were supposed to meet, he found me. Because of my mental and physical state at this point, I was staring at the floor as I walked. I barely had the strength to walk, yet alone keep my head held high. We embraced and it felt nice to finally be in the presence of a familiar face. I told him we had to go back to the ISO office so that I could get my things and let them know that I found him. He thought of this as humorous. He began to tell me that he had been on this hallway all along, and that surely he would have found me if I was in the area. All lies, I thought. I had been either directly in front of the baggage claim or on the hallway for the majority of the time I was in the airport. I had only left to use the phone and find the train station, and of course, the time I was in the two offices. It couldn’t have been longer than a half hour that I was away. I let it go though. I figured it was better to let it be than to start an argument or make accusations. I asked him where his phone was and why he didn’t answer it when I called. He told me he left it at home and felt he didn’t need it. “You didn’t need it? You should have known that I would find a way to call you if we didn’t find each other in a reasonable amount of time!” I said this in the nicest way possible to him. He apologized and we called it a day.

The trip conversation

During the same conversation that I ended with in my last post, I told him that I would have to quit my job in order to come out there because they wouldn’t give me the time off. He added more concern, and told me that maybe this was a bad idea. It was almost like I couldn’t even finish what I was trying to say to him before he would throw in negative remarks. I barely got to tell him that I had already spoken with my mom about going to work for her upon my return. Again, he threw in negative remarks about my mom and her business. “How is she going to afford to pay you?” and “How are you so sure that this will be guaranteed” he asked.

I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time. He would not listen to me. It was almost like he was still trying to talk me out of coming, even if it was only temporary. I tried to explain to him that my mom would not have suggested I work for her if she couldn’t foot the bill and that I would not have accepted it if I didn’t believe her. I tried explaining to him that my bills were almost paid off, so I would be debt free. With the little bit he sent me from the BAH, along with what she was able to offer me would be able to cover what I needed in February, easy. I even had to tell him that if I found out that this scenario wouldn’t work like I had hoped, I would find alternate employment. Granted, I knew it would work. The BAH covered my rent. So the only bills I had were the basic necessities of food, electricity, internet, gas and auto insurance. All of which didn’t exceed $400 per month. So basically, if I worked a minimum of $100 a week with my mom, I was good.

Finally, after about an hour of discussions, he was finally ok with my 3 week trip. He told me he would find somewhere for me to stay while I was there. We got off the phone and he emails me sometime later to tell me that he did find a place for me to stay on base. I would be staying with a fellow soldier and his wife in their guest room. He lived in a building that didn’t allow overnight guests. As I read through this email he sent, I got the feeling of excitement from him. Finally, I thought, finally. He had also mentioned that he was going to look into going to Ireland while I was there so we could go on our long overdue honeymoon. His ancestors are from Ireland, so he always wanted to go there. I didn’t really want to go to Ireland at the time, I had other places of interest higher on my list of countries I wanted to go and see. I didn’t argue or suggest something else to him. I just went along with it.

He is the type of person that only sees the black and white and looks only inside the box. Any alternative motion that is different than what his mindset is saying has a tendency of pissing him off. Like I said, it took about an hour of talking and explaining to him to get him to accept that I was coming to see him. This would have been almost instantaneous for any other soldier that loved and was devoted to his wife. I knew he would have concerns about my employment. What spouse wouldn’t? But the fact that he tried to talk me out of coming and basically put down my employment efforts as though I did not know what I was doing was beyond reasonable.

I had come to learn that with most things, I should just let him have the control. I was trying to be a dutiful wife despite the emails I found and despite my suspicions of infidelity. I had no solid ground to stand on regarding infidelity. All I had was the suspicion because of the way he was acting regarding a possible move to Germany and a simple 3 weeklong visit. Not to mention the emails I had read.

Marriage and Divorce, My story told

When I first decided that I was ready for a divorce, I was lost for words. I had no idea how to break the news to my husband. Further, I was unsure how to tell my parents. What would they think and how would they react? I vividly remember staring at the floor in my living room. My reasoning’s as to why I chose to go down the path of divorce circled around in my head for hours. I remember thinking back to the times that these reasons came clear to me.

He was in the United States Army and was stationed in Germany. We were married in June of 2007 while he was home on leave. After we were married, I was getting anxious to move out there to be with him. He was in a location that allowed servicemen and women to bring their immediate families to live and stay for the time that they were stationed. In our situation, he refused to allow me to come with him. He made excuses as to why I should stay in Virginia, all of which I came back with a reason as to why it would be ok. One of the most popular excuses he gave me was that he wanted me to be close to my friends and family back home. I repeatedly reminded him that he was my family now. He was the most important to me and that I wanted to be wherever he was, whenever possible.

Sometime around August of 2007, I was looking through my computer. I was actually in the process of cleaning out folders and removing files that I no longer needed. I was doing this so that I could properly defrag it. I came across a folder that contained emails that were exchanged between my husband and another woman. They were all dated in January. But what I found them to say both shocked me and broke my heart a little with each new message that I read. By the time I finished reading them; I was in tears and could barely breathe. Basically, the emails exchanged were referring to him going out with a girl and being persistent with her, even after she had started to say no. It was obvious she knew about me, for she had mentioned me to him. She did not know my specifics or anything, just that he was dating someone. The line of one of his responses that I still carry today is when he told her, “Its ok, wedding bells are not ringing”. What does this have to do with anything? I will tell you. In December of 2006 we were talking about marriage. He came home on leave in January and proposed to me. So for wedding bells to supposedly not be ringing baffled me.

Over the next month, I decided that I was going to go to Germany. I did not consult him prior to doing what I needed to do in order to get there. It was something that I had to completely do myself. I had to search out for the funds to purchase the ticket. I ended up having to quit my job in order to take the time off of work to visit him. I had to put everything I knew on hold so that I could go out there and try to figure out why he did not want me there. I was desperate to see what he saw, hear what he heard, and feel what he felt. I was desperate to try and put the emails I found behind me. It was something that happened prior to our marriage and I felt it wasn’t worth bringing up.

After the plane ticket was purchased and the dates were set, I sent him a copy of the flight schedule that I would be on. It seemed as though no sooner than I hit send, I received a call from him. His response at first was a little concerned. He wanted to know where I had gotten the money from. I told him it was luck. One of the things I had done was sign up for a contest that a local radio station does every fall. They ask the listeners for Christmas wishes. Now, these wishes can either be for you or for a loved one. As they get a wish in, they read it over determine if they will grant said wish. I submitted a wish to travel to Germany and see my husband, to whom I haven’t seen since we were married. I added in extra details about our situation and why it was important to me to fly out there. “My wish was granted” I told him. They gave me $750 dollars for airfare and travel expenses. In addition they gave me two gift cards to Wal-mart totaling $198 so that I could purchase food for myself as well as some gifts for my family.