Post Divorce Dating

it was hard to get back into the swing of things. I had to re learn how to date, but the scary thought of even learning how to meet people again was even worse for me. I had no idea how to start or even where to go to meet people. I did not want to meet my future love in a bar or social gathering that even offered the sale of alcohol. I realized that alcohol had to be taken out of the equation, because even though those people were fun for a night in the bar, they were not what I wanted for a lifetime.

I was growing up, my mentality and self worth was far beyond what I could find in a bar or a club. It had even gotten to the point to where I didn't even want to step foot into a bar unless it was the local Taphouse on off nights when the place was slow and I knew that random men would not be hitting on me and hoping I'd go home with him at the end of the night. I was done with the "one-night stand" or the mini relationships that had gone absolutely no where. Where do I look then? That was the ultimate question that I constantly asked myself.

I decided to look upon the internet. I joined a dating site and found a potential partner within a week. We met, he took me out on several dates in which we met at as opposed to him picking me up. i decided if I was going to meet someone online, I wanted to protect myself by meeting him there. Even through that, he was a complete gentleman and opened doors, pertained to small talk and always picked up the tab.

We became more serious. A couple of months went by and things were good. Then the day came where he gave me the classic line that I heard before. "You are a good woman, you deserve better than me." Where did I go wrong? I blamed myself for not doing more in the relationship. Was it even me? Did I just happen to settle for the first person that came my way and was he really that naive to think I would believe him when he stated I deserved better. I knew that men said this as a way to get out of a relationship easily to avoid confrontation.

I was heartbroken. I remember sitting on the back porch during a break from the family business and tears would begin to fall uncontrollably. I couldn't stop them. I felt as though it was my fault that every relationship I had been in came crashing down on me.

I had no idea what to expect over the next couple of years. I simply wanted to find a man that loved me. Questions continued to stir within me. Was there true love waiting for me out there, somewhere. What more did I need to do to change myself within in order to be the woman that a man wanted to marry, and stay married to and loyal to long term. I felt that I needed to learn how to be a dutiful girlfriend, and one day a dutiful wife. I decided to stop blaming my ex's for the way things turned out and to start looking inward and figure out what I could have done differently and learn from it.

They say knowledge is power, and it's true. I have learned so much in the past few months about love and what it REALLY takes to make a marriage work, that I have no idea how I survived the dating world for so long without it. I can't even begin to tell you how I was able to get married the first time with how much ignorance I had regarding successful relationships.

How My Self Esteem and Confidence Got Shot

As I stated in my last post, I was going to start shifting towards a different aspect in the life after divorce segment. And that’s just what I plan on doing. Before, I went through my reflection stages and getting myself to get back up on my personal bandwagon. Upon completion of this post, I will start talking about re-entering the dating world.

It was a scary thing for me to think about for a while, dating again. I had no idea how to date and had completely forgotten how to meet people. I was lost, alone and afraid to throw myself out there. I was living with my parents, and even my mom saw how alone I was and the difficulties I was going through. She suggested that I go to college in hopes that it would help me meet someone. That didn’t work too well, at least not at first.

I was extremely shy and afraid to talk to anyone. My self-esteem and confidence had been shot due to the negative remarks my soon to be ex gave me. Even my dad told me I was fat once. I’m sure he meant well, and only wanted to get me motivated to diet and exercise, but it still put a major dent in my self-esteem. Not only that, but I was constantly reminded of my weight gain every time I looked in the mirror. You see, I was 120 pounds before I got married, and upon my separation, I had reached somewhere around 170. Trust me, I was a little chunky monkey there for a while.

I bring the weight gain up because it was what really caused my self-esteem and confidence to go down. It also added a whirl wind of depression to race through me at any random moment. My biggest regret through this time is not getting back out there and allowing my outer appearance get the best of me. I needed to lose weight, but I lacked the motivation to do something about it. I remember constantly asking myself what was wrong with me. Before I got married I was able to go up to any guy and start chatting away. I was able to pick up men like they were lost sheep. I mean, I got 4 marriage proposals before saying yes to my ex-husband. Yes, you read that right. FOUR! I was an outgoing diva that strived in the social world. And here I was, a mere 2 years later, lost and alone.

This is actually what threw me into the reflection stage that I talked about before, but I felt I should cover it in more detail so that you will be able to better understand what went on during the dating stages that I endured over the next 2 years. What you will learn over the next few posts about me and my dating habits after divorce will come as a surprise. It surprised me even, but I feel now that it all happened in order to push me in the direction that I ultimately went. I want each of you to take something out of all of this, and that is that everything does happen for a reason. I know that at the time, through all of my tears and questions of why, I didn’t understand why everything horrible was happening to me.

I’m sure that many of you are asking yourselves the same questions I once asked myself. Why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me? What did I do that was so terribly wrong? Ladies, (and gents if you’re reading), I assure you that NOTHING is wrong with you. You didn’t do anything that was terribly wrong. Look at your current situation like this. Tell yourself, “This is happening to me now in order to make me stronger. It is giving me the backbone and experience that I need in order to love someone better, stronger and easier. It is showing me that I can get through anything, and I will appreciate returned love better.” So next time you see your ex, or soon to be ex, thank him, for he is the reason that your next love will be even sweeter.

Let It Go

Recently, I started listening to an album by Keyshia Cole, entitled Just Like You. Though out the entire album, it seems, she is singing about self reflection and standing for what she believes in. She also sings about relationships going astray and how if a man doesn't love her in the way he should, she should let it go. Even though the title track is titled Let It Go, it appears as though that line comes up more times than not in the other tracks.This is a great message for any woman. Why? The answer is simple. If the man you are with is not making you happy in the ways you desire or not making the effort to keep the relationship alive, than you must ask yourself if it is worth the pain or to let it go.

I do have a reasoning behind bringing this album up. You see, the last time I actually listened to this album was when I was married. I listened to it repeatedly while I was trying to decide for myself if I wanted to go down the road of divorce. I listened to it repeatedly after I told my ex-husband the news. It helped me realize that I did deserve better. It helped me realize that I needed to refocus on myself and that I needed someone in my life that would make me happy without even trying.

The album is great for listening to casually and in passing. It wasn't until I sat down and actually listened to the songs individually that it made sense and connected with what I was going through. For example, "Give Me More" first appeared to just being another song about a woman wanting more from her partner. "Oh, she's just mad that he did something stupid" I thought. Well, when I started to relate it to my situation, it was almost as though this song was the beginning stages of trying to work it out. It's like she's pleading with him to be better, to work harder, and to make the connections again. I easily saw how this song related, but deep down, I had a feeling that regardless of what I did or said, my ex-husband would continue to be the same man that he always was.

Then I went onto the next two tracks. Track three is titled "I Remember" Another break-up song at first listen. But when I listened to it on that night, I cried. It was almost as though she was singing the words that I couldn't bring myself to say. She basically goes on to remember how she felt when she was on her verging point. Heart break, sorrow and loneliness is sung through the chorus. Track four talks about how she "shoulda let it go a long time ago". She feels that she shouldnt have let the relationship get as far as it did because of what I imagine as being the womanly instincts that I'm sure every woman gets. I remember listening to these two tracks and thinking, "she is right." I should have let it go before I ever even let it get to the point that it had gotten.

Really, I bring this album up because it allowed me to steer closer to the path that I am on now. I bring it up because without this album, my reflection stage would have never occurred or happened in the manner that it did. The album helped me see that I needed to stop being a dead weight in a marriage that was going no where. It shared with me that life is better when your happy with yourself first. It opened up new doors that allowed me to walk down a path to better myself instead of worrying about what others would think or say about my predicament. It taught me to love myself first, and to do things that made me happy. How can I make others happy if I can not be happy with myself first. It also showed me that life is too short to be with a man that disrespects me and doesn't love me in a way that I truly deserved. It was that extra push that I needed to get my divorce process started so that I can move forward towards a life of happiness and prosperity. This album was the best thing to happen to me while I was married, and any one of you who has not listened to it or heard about it should give it a listen.

If not for this album, I probably wouldn't be living in Terre Haute pursuing a degree in Chemistry. I would have never learned how to be happy with myself or how to love myself properly first. Oh, and did I mention that I'm engaged again? Yep, that's right. I'm engaged.

Which brings me to the next phase of my Divorce blog. Love After Divorce. Keep your eyes peeled for the trials and tribulations of re-entering the dating world.

Love After Divorce, Is it real?

Recently, I started looking through some old blogs of mine, and a particular passage from one of my entries caught my eye. This blog entry, found on my Emotions Untangled blog, just happened to be talking about my ex-husband, although brief, and went on to talk about love. The passage reads as follows:

"Love is an emotional bond that no one wants to let go of easily. It makes you do things that you never would have imagined doing otherwise. It carries no boundaries and will do whatever is in it's power to keep that love alive until, ultimately, there is nothing more you can do"

This passage made me realize what I want out of life romantically. I wanted someone that would fight for me, and I am not talking about physically. I want to know, is love really out there for me, and if it is, where is it? Although, I don't dwell on where my life may lead in that department, or how long it may be for something like this to happen, I still like to ponder the idea of love after divorce.

This brings me to think of a quote that I read recently on Facebook by Dr. Seuss. It reads, "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." As silly as that sounds, it has some truth in it. Since no one of us has a true definition of what normal really is, weird is actually among each and every one of us, no matter how small or large.

I do believe in love after divorce. No matter how weird it may be, my weird match is out there. No matter the boundaries, the power of love is out there. Love is out there for all of us. It only asks for one thing, and that is patience. Patience is something that I held close, and will always hold close.

Before I let you go, I wanted to make a comment about something my friend did recently. She threw a Divorce Party. I thought this was a great idea. Basically, she invited everyone she knew that was either divorced or separated. This is great because it gives you an opportunity to talk to others, share stories, and basically celebrate your new found life!

Reflections

When I went through my reflection stage upon being a divorced woman, I realized that I had gone a little crazy while I was married. I decided to go through a reflection period because I felt that I needed to do something to allow myself to see where I went wrong during the marriage as well as the months that followed the divorce. I needed to be able to allow my emotional health the liberty of getting better. I figured if I was going to get anything out of the marriage, I would rather it be something that I learned about myself and take that information with me throughout the rest of my life. I needed to look at the situation as an experience and a lesson. I wanted to be able to see a positive light and be thankful for the experience instead of being negative and spiteful.

Trust me; I wanted to be angry at him for the rest of my life. I wanted to be spiteful towards him forever. But I realized that life is worth more than living out your days being upset with someone or mad about a situation that did not go the way that you wanted. I simply had to say goodbye to anger and move on.

As I progressed through the reflection stage, I noticed a few things that I needed to work on within myself. I felt this way because if I ever wanted to be successful in a relationship, than I needed to be able to be define my faults and fix them. I also needed to define my strengths when involved with someone.

I quickly learned that I moved too fast when entering a relationship in the past. People had told me this before, but I never wanted to admit it to myself. I remember asking myself why I had done that sort of thing to begin with. I wanted to change the bad habit. I wanted to be able to get to know someone fully and to be comfortable with telling him my full intentions and exactly what I was looking for in a relationship. I even went as far as making a rule list for myself to follow. Granted, I thought it was just for giggles, but in the end, it allowed me to successfully sort through the weeds.

I also fell into the habit of being to forgiving of actions that shouldn’t have been forgiven. Once, I had dated a guy that had emotional troubles. For this reason, I felt somewhat sorry for him. We broke up because he felt I deserved better, but in the break up process, he put me down constantly and was being extremely rude about the situation. He even went as far as threatening to call the cops on me because I wasn’t leaving quick enough. To further explain that, I was simply gathering things that belonged to me so that I would not have to return for them later. A few months go by, and he calls me, begging me to come back. This same scenario happened repeatedly, and for some reason, I kept falling for his lies. I realized that that aspect of my life had to change. I had to get myself under the grasp of when it’s done it’s done, the first time.

So, my reflections on my dating life took me a while to sort through. All in all, it helped me realize where I was going wrong and gave me a better sense of what I needed and wanted in a man. I swore to myself that I would never allow a man to fool me into something that my gut and instinct was telling me to stay away from again. It was a journey to get to this point, but it was worth it in the end.

Don’t Undersell Your Value During a Virginia Divorce

Don’t Undersell Your Value During a Virginia Divorce

Life After Divorce

In the months following my divorce, I began to feel a sense of awkwardness. It was unreal to me that I was now a divorced woman. I faced the next phase and entered into life after divorce. I remember thinking back and wondering where it all went wrong. I asked myself if there was something that I could have done differently to save the marriage and prevent the divorce from ever occurring. That question took me back even further. It took me back to the months that he and I were just dating. That brought on more questions that I never really got the answers to.

I did take time to focus on myself. I wanted to be able to resolve any interior insecurity that I had before re-entering the dating world. I wanted to make sure that my head was on straight and that my life was headed down a more direct route. That’s just what I did too. I dealt with my issues and gave myself a good path to follow.

I attempted to date someone after I believed I was ready to date again. I was wrong. I constantly analyzed every situation that occurred and constantly compared it with a situation that I had with my ex-husband. I even spit out that the guy was acting just like my ex-husband. No sooner than the words came out of my mouth, I wanted to hit the rewind button. Why did I say that? What was the purpose of directly comparing him to my ex-husband, and verbally at that? Of course I apologized for it, but the damage was already done.

I quickly realized that I needed to step away from the dating world again and work on getting myself out of that horrible loop. I sat and pondered what it was that I needed to do to stop thinking about my ex and look forward to a brighter future. At first, I couldn’t think of anything. But I quickly realized that I needed to do two things.

I needed to continue to reinstate the relationship I had with myself. In doing so, I began to do activities that I enjoyed doing solo. I rode my bike more, took walks around the neighborhood and took random drives around town with no particular destination. This allowed me to wrap myself up in internal thought and gave me the opportunity to relearn myself as an individual.

The other thing I decided I needed to do was to reinstate my relationships with my friends. Granted, the relationships were never lost, but being divorced, they were slightly different. I needed to relearn how to spend time with them as a soloist and they needed to readjust to me as being a single lady. This helped me make the transition from being married to divorced and single because I was able to throw my thoughts off of them and receive any support that was necessary. I trusted them to give me adequate advice and to tell me the honest truth, no matter how painful.

This took time, and I am happy that I went ahead and faced my fears early on. It set me up for a better future and allowed me to see that I was my first priority. Divorce in Virginia changed me, and it made me a stronger person.